Listen UP!!! the maj has something to say
Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 12:22 pm
well not really, actually he's dead. Ya, died from a shaving incident gone horribly wrong, Todd might have played a hand in it. But i digress, the majors last words were Check this shit out!!!!!
Hi, my name is Ralph. I have had a few names throughout my life because I've always been a bit of an outcast. The first name I was given was Bump, which brings me to describe myself. I am red skinned and have 44 bumps on my side and one on my head. I was born in Trenton, New Jersey on May 13 2008. My people are a very religious group that worship the great blue gods. During the first few days of our life our knowledge is limited to the fact that the big blue gods created us through there design and that talking to the gods is sacrilege.
I am an outcast because I don't care about worshiping the gods, I wanted to talk to them. The others in my birth group where Slim, Tiny, Blue, and BOB, now you might see a trend here and ask. Why BOB? Well the answer is simple, anyone that is that plain deserves to be named BOB!
We all know, my people that is, know that a few days after birth we are put in to hibernation, and if you are lucky the gods will choose to take you to the afterlife personally. I was put into hibernation three days after conception and this is where the story truly begins.
I awoke from hibernation into darkness, as I'm sure many of us do, to find myself being stretched as if on some medieval torture device. While enduring this pain I was introduced to a new form of torture as my skin was pulled in more directions than I thought possible. I apologize for not being able to tell you exactly what was happening but, I can't due to the fact that it was pitch black. I will however say that if any of those stuck up bastards had know what was coming, they wouldn't have worshiped the gods that way. Anyways, this sensation didn't last long and all that remained was the low stretched feeling. At this point I was just starting to gather my thoughts and wonder "what the hell is going on here" when a pleasant heating began in my head and made my forget all about the pain. Shortly after this the process was repeated, excruciating pain and then the pleasurable feeling of warmth in my head. On the third time however just as I was expecting the wonderful warmth...PAIN! My head was cracked open like an egg, the intense warmth that had taken up residence inside my head now flowed over my body in waves. Pleasant as I'm sure it was, the pain in my head was too much to handle and I pitifully fainted not knowing what the hell had just happened.
I awoke from my recent collapse in a pool of the worst smelling water possible. A quick ride through what I can only describe as a water park ride and I way out to sea drifting in to the sunrise. I was lost at sea for 3 days when I finally came to lay on a grim beach.
It was there in the warm waters of the Pacific Ocean that I saw millions of my brothers laying together many in a worse condition than my self, it was there that I witnesses the horrible truth of my people.
The Island wasn't a bad place. I made many friends during my stay however, seeing so many of my fallen comrades all around us made it hard to be happy. The years came and went without any change on our small Island. One day my savior came, my dear friend Gary. Gary landed on the Island in his Cessna one day a few months ago and we met. Though my brothers held to there religious ways, I refused to accept the lies anymore, and introduced myself.
We quickly became friends and when he left the island he was kind enough to take me along. I couldn't imagine a better friend, he has healed my head and now recorded my memoirs. And so I dedicate this short life's history to my close personal friend Gary Windomer.
Authors Note:
Hello my name is Gary Windomer, you may recognize my name from recent news reports on Prophylactia, AKA (Condom Island), the island I discovered. When my friend whom I named Ralph, ask me to record his life, I jumped at the chance. It has pleases me very much to bring you this tale and to tell you that Ralph is doing well and that he is a damn good chess player.
who knew the maj could write!?!?!? well id love to hear your thoughts
Hi, my name is Ralph. I have had a few names throughout my life because I've always been a bit of an outcast. The first name I was given was Bump, which brings me to describe myself. I am red skinned and have 44 bumps on my side and one on my head. I was born in Trenton, New Jersey on May 13 2008. My people are a very religious group that worship the great blue gods. During the first few days of our life our knowledge is limited to the fact that the big blue gods created us through there design and that talking to the gods is sacrilege.
I am an outcast because I don't care about worshiping the gods, I wanted to talk to them. The others in my birth group where Slim, Tiny, Blue, and BOB, now you might see a trend here and ask. Why BOB? Well the answer is simple, anyone that is that plain deserves to be named BOB!
We all know, my people that is, know that a few days after birth we are put in to hibernation, and if you are lucky the gods will choose to take you to the afterlife personally. I was put into hibernation three days after conception and this is where the story truly begins.
I awoke from hibernation into darkness, as I'm sure many of us do, to find myself being stretched as if on some medieval torture device. While enduring this pain I was introduced to a new form of torture as my skin was pulled in more directions than I thought possible. I apologize for not being able to tell you exactly what was happening but, I can't due to the fact that it was pitch black. I will however say that if any of those stuck up bastards had know what was coming, they wouldn't have worshiped the gods that way. Anyways, this sensation didn't last long and all that remained was the low stretched feeling. At this point I was just starting to gather my thoughts and wonder "what the hell is going on here" when a pleasant heating began in my head and made my forget all about the pain. Shortly after this the process was repeated, excruciating pain and then the pleasurable feeling of warmth in my head. On the third time however just as I was expecting the wonderful warmth...PAIN! My head was cracked open like an egg, the intense warmth that had taken up residence inside my head now flowed over my body in waves. Pleasant as I'm sure it was, the pain in my head was too much to handle and I pitifully fainted not knowing what the hell had just happened.
I awoke from my recent collapse in a pool of the worst smelling water possible. A quick ride through what I can only describe as a water park ride and I way out to sea drifting in to the sunrise. I was lost at sea for 3 days when I finally came to lay on a grim beach.
It was there in the warm waters of the Pacific Ocean that I saw millions of my brothers laying together many in a worse condition than my self, it was there that I witnesses the horrible truth of my people.
The Island wasn't a bad place. I made many friends during my stay however, seeing so many of my fallen comrades all around us made it hard to be happy. The years came and went without any change on our small Island. One day my savior came, my dear friend Gary. Gary landed on the Island in his Cessna one day a few months ago and we met. Though my brothers held to there religious ways, I refused to accept the lies anymore, and introduced myself.
We quickly became friends and when he left the island he was kind enough to take me along. I couldn't imagine a better friend, he has healed my head and now recorded my memoirs. And so I dedicate this short life's history to my close personal friend Gary Windomer.
Authors Note:
Hello my name is Gary Windomer, you may recognize my name from recent news reports on Prophylactia, AKA (Condom Island), the island I discovered. When my friend whom I named Ralph, ask me to record his life, I jumped at the chance. It has pleases me very much to bring you this tale and to tell you that Ralph is doing well and that he is a damn good chess player.
who knew the maj could write!?!?!? well id love to hear your thoughts